Robert Hudson: Integrative Psychotherapy, Counselling, Coaching & Consultancy
Robert Hudson: Integrative Psychotherapy, Counselling, Coaching & Consultancy
Co-dependency or Co-dependence is a tendency to behave in ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. This behaviour may be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and/or control patterns.
Co-dependency is often (although not solely) the result of living with an addict or an alcoholic. It forces the co-dependent to take responsibility for their partner's illness and provide them with help at the cost of their own well being. It is, in the most part, related to the lack of healthy boundaries in the relationship which ultimately results in a total loss of self.
In order to treat co-dependency, the co-dependent needs to be taught the importance of boundaries, how to construct them and, more importantly, how to maintain them. They need to stop their self-defeating behaviours and learn how to value themselves for who they are.
This is different to Family Therapy (although there are often crossovers) as it concentrates purely on the co-dependent, regardless of the addicted partner. Co-dependents often feel guilty, sad, fearful or angry depending on the moods of those around them. They often have no concept of where they end and another person begins.
However, as with any addiction or personality disorder, one to one counselling can be an extremely powerful and productive way to overcome these unhealthy behavioural and thought patterns and improve one's personal well-being together with any damaged relationships.
As someone who spends a lot of time helping other people, I never presume to judge or tell people what they "should do", "have to" do, or "need" to do. These are individual choices that can only be made by the person who must live with them. But when people are ready to make a change, they can often be trapped not just by their love for their hurtful partner, but by fear. Ending a major relationship means big changes, changes in where and how we live, what we own, how much money we have, whether we're alone or not. It's natural to be afraid. It's sometimes like leaping off a cliff in the dark.
Fortunately, fear stands on a base that is easy to chip away at: ignorance. We are most often afraid because we don't know what will happen. Without any specific thoughts, our minds love to wander off into all kinds of extreme outcomes - things that really just aren't going to happen. So, overcoming fear - finding the courage to make changes - is about learning. It can take time, and it does takes little bits of courage to ask the questions, but if we chip away at it, we can build a picture or what a new life will be like and we can fill that picture with facts rather than imagined fears. Those facts and that true vision of what we'll do and what things will be like, undercut the fears and make it possible to face the change.
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Most people who ask "Am I co-dependent?" are in very hurtful situations, and significant decisions have to be faced and resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally abused by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone who hurts us; it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions.
The standard treatment for co-dependency is psychotherapy/counselling, but this can only take place once the individual is willing to participate and allows the psychotherapist/counsellor to lead the treatment; the care giver becomes the person in need of external care; this can be a difficult task for the sufferer.
Psychotherapy/Counselling tries to underpin the roots of the problem and discover when and how this problem developed, often causing the individual to face some unpleasant memories that have never been addressed or admitted.
The therapist will help the person discover new ways of expressing themselves and ways to develop and implement coping mechanisms for issues in everyday life and those relating to their close relationships.
Treatment for underlying depression is also regularly needed; the GP will help decide which is the most appropriate and at what dose.
The primary sources of this material are "The Intimacy Factor", "Facing Love Addiction" and "Facing Co-Dependency" by Pia Mellody.